Josh the Merman
by The Chortling Mermaid
Summary: Story for Steph's 15th birthday! :) Josh finds himself a merman after his cutout of Oprah grants his wish. After accidentally possessing Drake with evil, he must go with Rikki, Bella, Emma, and Cleo to stop himself from getting an evil red tail. Crack fic, rated T for some language (that Maddie insisted upon using).


**A/N: Hey, Friend of Fawful and Maddie here! We are happy to present this present for Steph/Winged Fish, for her 15th birthday! (Today) It's a crackfic just for you, Steph, we hope you enjoy it! **

**Disclaimer: Random, Weird, and pretty funny. We don't own Drake & Josh, or H2o: Just Add Water.**

Josh Nichols was very upset. He was talking to his cardboard cutout of Oprah.

"Oh, Oprah! If only I could be a merman like Cleo, Rikki, Emma, and Bella!"

"Don't fear, Josh! I shall make you one with my magic Oprah powers!" The cutout sang in a magical voice.

"Huh?" Josh frowned, but suddenly, A GIANT BLUE BEAM CAME DOWN ONTO HIM!

Josh gasped as he was engulfed in the blue beam. The giant full moon shined in the window as the fat boy as skyrocketed off the couch. Josh flew through the ROOF! He screamed in pain as the ceiling fell apart because of his body. He then collapsed onto the couch.

"O-Oprah? Where are you?" He called desperately. When he looked down, he saw that he had a golden tail.

"YES I'M A MERMAN!" He screeched in joy. "DRAKE!" he then screamed. "DRAKEY WAKEY! LOOK! I'M A MERMAN!"

Josh, who just gained 20 pounds with his new tail, attempted to get off the couch. He then collapsed onto the floor as he writhed in pain. "No!" he cried out, smashing his Oprah cutout. He grabbed a t-shirt and shoved it over his body.

"I can't move! This is so stupid!" he wailed. "DRAKEEE!"

Drake didn't budge.

"Hmm, maybe I have mermaid magic, like my friends, Cleo, Emma, Bella, and Rikki!" He concentrated and moved his hands until….Drake's eyes turned red, like he was a demon. Ever since his horse became possessed on Howrse, Drake's never been the same, especially after getting banned on the site. Howrse was 'hiz life'. Now, whatever he did with his hand caused Drake to lose it.

Josh then screamed as Drake flinged a bucket of water towards Josh. The metal bucket hit Josh's head as the water spilled all over his loose gray shirt.

"Get in the kiddie pool!" Drake shouted. "Take off your shirt you stupid floppy fat pudding! MOVEEEEEEEE!"

Josh's face blushed. "I can't! I don't wanna take off my shirt!"

"Why?"

Josh began to cry. "I'm embarrassed! The tanning bed hasn't removed the lipids off my carbohydrate-"

Drake then chucked Luckenball towards him.

_"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT BANNED FROM MARCHING BAND! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"_

"That wasn't my fault!" Josh yelled at his brother. Suddenly Rikki ran into the bedroom.

"Josh! You're an evil merman!" She yelled, "you have to go to Mako, and drink a gallon of its water to get back to normal."

"W-What, Rikki? How do you know?"

"Your power is **EVIL**. That's why _he's_ acting like that!" Drake licked the window and charged at them.

**"DIE MONSTER DIE DIE DIE**!" Drake grabbed a golf club and ran over to them..

"Drake! STOP being a fucking weirdo!" Cleo screamed. "You're not a merman! You're not in the cool club!"

"I AM THE COOLEST OF THEM ALL! SHUT UP!" Drake wailed as he pushed Cleo. Cleo then rolled down a hill and fell into a garbage can.

"C'mon, Josh!" Rikki then screamed, tugging him towards Mako, which was just down the street. "You have to do this!"

"..What if I d-d-dont?"

"Then you will forever be evil! You will turn into a RED tail, plus since you're evil, your tail will never go away unless you do this."

"BUT I CAN'T MOVE!"

Rikki then groaned as she dragged Josh into a red wagon. She then pulled that black thing attached to it and down the street. A chihuahua, that little dog thing, and Tiberius, chased after them down the street. Drake laughed as he skipped after them, blasting Kidz Bop. Cleo, Emma and Bella were waiting at the sidewalk.

"Hurry, guys!" Emma called. Suddenly a new song came through Drake's radio.

_"NEEEEAR FAR WHERE EVVVVEEEER YOU ARE…."_

"OH NO!" Josh cried, "the ship is sinking!"

"We have to get to Mako Island, now!" Cleo stated the obvious as they chucked Josh into the ocean.

The girls, and Drake, then sang in chorus as Josh flipped-flapped his tail through the waters.

_"YOUUUU'REEEE HEREEEE, THERE'S NOOOOOTTHHHHINGGG I FEEAARRR! AND I KNOW THAT MY HEART WILL GOOOOO ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"_

Tears streamed down Josh's baby face as he gurgled sea salty water in his mouth.

"JOSH!" Drake screamed. "Do this for Leoandro DiCaprio, you fat baby!"

"I'LL DO IT FOR OPRAH!" Josh screamed as a giant stingray flew into his mouth. He swallowed the stingray as he continued to swim. He then eventually reached that huge rock thing as the moon shined down on him. His golden tail began to turn red. He then screamed.

"Oprah.." He whispered.

"I love you."

He then grabbed a straw which was stuck under his golden tail, and began to drank the water. He drank seaweed, stingrays, sharks, dolphins, seals, lions, tigers, monkeys, birds- all the protein. He swallowed all the gross magical water that he could-without throwing up-until he was just an ordinary boy.

He then swam back to shore, which took about 6.9 hours. After collapsing onto shore, Drake chucked another bucket at him.

"DRAKE!" Josh wailed, as his golden tail slowly disappeared.

"Woah! Why you no merman?"

"Because he only turns into a merman in the water, idiot," Emma rolled her eyes. "Josh, we can teach you how to merman," she gave him a kiss on a cheek, as Josh screamed. "But you need to take off your shirt."

"No!"

The group then attacked Josh, and ripped off his shirt.

"Hey! THAT'S CHEATING!" Josh cried. "Why don't I have a bra to protect my breasteses?"

"Because you're a boy. It's how it works...duh." Emma told the boy.

"But my man boobs could be eaten by sharks!"

"Dude, you're just gonna have to lose weight," Drake laughed, as Josh cried. Rikki then punched Drake in the stomach as Drake flew back towards his house, since he is a superhero, after all. He then ate a bag of Cheetos and watched Barry Obama star on H20: Just Add Piss.

Meanwhile, Josh, Emma, Rikki, Iron Man, Lewis, all swam in the ocean and sang about Howrse and Gangster Life. Josh lost 300 pounds that night. Then, Emma handed Josh a macaroni necklace.

"Here, this necklace is an honor for you...trying to be a merman. I'd give you about a D- grade."

"A 'D-'? I've never gotten anything lower than an A-! An A-!" Josh barked, spazzing out in the water.

"Well, it's okay, I got less than a 30% on Emma's assessment; don't feel bad!" Cleo assured Josh.

"I got a zero." Bella muttered. **"LOL NO ONE CARES BELLA!**" someone shouted in the distance.

"I got an A+." Rikki bragged, making Josh cry tears of milk.

"It's not fair!" Josh screeched. He then ate his macaroni necklace, gained the weight he just lost back, and swam home in the dirt. Actually, it was more like a slither. He turned into a giant worm on the way to shore, then a donkey, aka a jackass aka Barry O, and then flopped like a fish to Drakey Wakey's house.

"Way to go, Emma." Bella jabbed.

"Be quiet, zero hero. You're just jealous of my power." Emma returned. All the mermaids fought, and the world in turn exploded. Oprah then became queen of the world as Josh Nichols then ate an Eggo my Leggo and Drake, meanwhile, became the ruler of Russia and forced everyone to buy his CDS. Megan became ruler of Rome and became the next Alexander the fabulous with a bunch of dead people. AND THEY RULED WITH FIRE. Josh was never seen by anyone again, but probably is alive somewhere. If you ever see _anything_ weird in the water….it's probably him.

The end.

**A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPH! We hope you enjoyed this fic. We had a spectacular time writing it!**


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